Friday, June 6, 2014

Christmas in July

Krampus thinks your elf on a shelf is a punk
Do you know about Krampus?  He's pretty much the anti-Santa.  See, in the "Old World"* Santa wasn't alone.  Santa had a travelling companion, Krampus.  Santa would give the good kids gifts, and Krampus would gather the bad kids up in his bag, take them off and eat them.

*I think the Old World is somewhere in Poland, but I'm not sure .  

Krampus is entirely consistent with the Old World parenting method of raising children through abject terror.  Ah, the good old days.  Parents today are too soft, what with their "love" and "praise."  That's no way to raise good potato farmers.

But Krampus doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is what the Krampus relationship says about Santa.  Why would Santa hang out with an asshole like Krampus?  Two possible reasons: (1) Santa approves of Krampus' mission.  In which case, Santa is employing a sadistic demon to do his dirty work, so he can keep his white gloves clean.  Creep.  (2) Santa is weaker than Krampus and wants to get rid of him, but can't.  In which case, Santa is Krampus' bitch.

Know what's worse than Santa?  Elf on a shelf. 

Creepy shit
Have you heard of this?  It appears to be a new trend wherein parents buy an "elf," and then explain to their children that this "elf" is watching them and cannot be touched.  The elf apparently is a spy for Santa and then reports back to Santa.

Comrade elf tells me that you have been misbehaving,
The parenting concept here is that children can't be trusted.  So, they need to be tricked into believing that someone (in this case, a lifeless doll) is watching them at all times.  Also, because kids have no moral compass, they need some external incentive to make the right choices.  In this case, it's gifts - if a child misbehaves he will receive fewer gifts. Holiday fun!

Are you wondering what this all has to do with mountain bikes?  Well, please allow me to loosely and unsatisfactorily tie everything together.

I have a bike called the Krampus.

Here it is doing park duty with the kids.  As you can see, it's something of a fat bike.  Incidentally, I have often wondered whether fat bikes are actually better for fat guys.  It seems to me that my mass is more stable on a bike with a bigger footprint.  I mean, that's true regardless of the rider size, but with narrower tires, I sometimes feel like a buffalo on ice skates.

I use the Krampus for everything - trails, roads, bike path.  The fun thing about the Krampus is that the bike doesn't care where you ride it and over what surfaces.  You just point it in the direction you want to go and start pedaling.  

The bike has kind of got a mind of its own.  Usually when I try to ride it on the path or road, the bike steers itself to ride over landscaping walls and to jump curbs and the like.  I have to obey, because otherwise, I won't get any presents.

It's actually my second fatbike (please don't tell Santa).  

Pugsley in his natural environment
Needless to say, I'm a fan of Surly.  

Will the Krampus replace the Pugsley?  Not in my house.  The Pugsley is just too much fun.  When it's time to ride a fatbike, the Pug wins.  But the Krampus will probably see more miles overall, because it's hella fun. 

I may not post this Sunday, because I'm going on a bike trip.

Actually, I'm going on a mountain bike trip.  I'm taking my son.  We went grocery shopping for the trip last night.  My son found the list hilarious.

He called it an "All-American" Grocery List.  I'm so proud.
I don't see what's so funny.  It's just the necessities.

Your beer pairing:
Southern Tier Krampus:

A 9% Imperial Helles Lager.  Santa would approve.

Go be brave.  Just don't do it in front of the elf!

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